Ready to Walk!

Well it's official! I got my t-shirt for the walk on Sunday!  Hope my knees and ankles are up to it but I'm going to give it my all anyway :)

I Surrender... For My Bathrooms, I Surrender

Something happened the other day.  Yes, something strange.  My husband had an announcement… he had asked another woman into my house…. to come and clean next weekend.  This is something that I had been secretly waiting on for so long, and finally the time had come.  Please someone pinch me. Can this be true?

And then…

My usual self took over and I was overcome by a wave of sadness.  Has it come to this?  Have I become so useless that I can’t even take care of my household like a normal wife and mother?  What will people think?  What will my parents and in-laws think?  What does MY husband think? 

Evidently he just hired her to do the parts that are difficult for me such as deep cleaning the bathrooms and kitchen since it’s a lot of bending and reaching but it still kind of feels like a blow.  Funny thing is that I always dreamed of someone coming to clean my house but now it just feels so wrong.  Maybe because when I wanted it, it was for more of a luxury than a necessity.

I had to laugh at my husband when I asked him why he doesn't clean it, he just looked at me and said “ewww” LOL!

Work and Uncertain Times

I work, I love to keep busy and I knew once I started my 'career' that I pretty much would be working until retirement.  That was my thinking in my healthy days.  Even now, I push myself to get up every morning and despite my illness, I pretty much drag myself into work almost every day.  Yes, some days are excruciating and without the meds would not be possible.  I have a pretty impeccable attendance record and I save my off time for my regular doctor appointments.  (My work does not know about my illness, which is why my blog is pretty much anonymous, so I use vacation days for my appointments)

Rumor around the water cooler is that layoffs are coming in our site.  Now I know about rumors and how they should all be taken with a grain of salt however many departments have already been shut down in our site already so this is not far fetched.  Many, many other signs point to this happening so I see it as a matter of 'when' rather than 'if'.  I have come to like my job, not because its the best job in the world and everyone  is seeking this position but because for ME it is perfect.

1) It is a desk job (not physical)
2) It requires very little thinking (great for brain foggy days)
3) My bosses are not on site with me (I have snuck out for a quick nap here and there in my car *don't judge me - I usually make the time up somewhere else, I've stayed late on many occasions and I'm salary so I don't get OT)
4) I get decent pay without a degree requirement

So given this, if I have to look for a job (especially in this economy) I feel that it will be really disastrous.  I have no degree and I cannot do much physical work unless its on a good day.  I can't be the go-getter I used to be because I have to consider what I can do in my next job because of my health.  SSDI is not an option for me even if they were to approve me (which I doubt since my doctor believes I'm 'always doing so good' - ugh- as my husband has mountains of student loans we are still paying (can you say two mortgages?) and SSDI would not pay enough plus I would like to keep working until I would physically have to quit for my health.

Stress and chronic illness is a recipe for disaster, yet I'm facing a massive burden I feel soon approaching.  I know these problems may seem insignificant to a lot of things others are going through but for me these are the stresses that I am facing at the moment.  Our house keeps going down in value like every one else so I believe there is no equity in our home either.

This was very hard to type but it was more for me just to get it out there and let it out.  Sort of a stress reliever.  There are options and possibilities for every situation... there always is... and there will be this time, whatever happens.

Kicking Myself Into Gear

One of the most horrible issues that plague someone with a chronic diasabling (at times) illness is the weight issues.  Yes, some will say its a vanity issue and I'm not going to lie.  Vanity is such a dirty word though and I prefer to use self esteem because at least for me, that is more where it hits. 

When you get hit with a flare and you have no appetite for days on end or you can't keep anything inside your body, you quickly begin to lose weight and can become very thin.  Ironically, people begin to come up to you and compliment you on how 'healthy' you look.  I had this 'healthy' look for a couple of years now but as I have become inactive due to the weakness and the stress from work, I have just succommed to shoving easy food (which in lay terms means unhealthy food) in my mouth.  Not to mention the evil Prednisone that hasn't helped the situation.  I have easily gained 10 lbs in about 6 months which for a 5'2" frame is pretty noticable and I can feel it in my clothes.

I know that I must kick myself into gear and work this weight off.  I'm no means overweight but I feel that if things keep going in this direction, it could get out of hand quick.  I know that for me versus a healthy person, that means that I have to take it slow but slow is better than no go.  (Of course, my husband has other ideas on how to work the weight off *eyeroll* :P)

I even signed up to do the local Lupus walk here in town in a few weeks, now I have no excuses... must.prepare.now.

It's Hard Living on Lonely Street

So we moved from out of state to where we are coming on 12 years now.  I was very excited to move here and start fresh but I knew that I would miss a lot of people that I left behind, mostly the friends I grew up with as my family had all moved away long before I did.  Today, I have many of them on Facebook and we keep in touch, it's so nice to communicate in some form with them.

As soon as we moved, I had to start work right away as I was pretty much the bread winner since we moved here for my husband to go to graduate school.  Between work and raising a small child, my son was 5 at the time, I never really had the chance to get out and socialize or form any bonds or start any friendships.  I did meet a couple of people but either felt awkward since they had many bonds already and I felt out of place due to my shy nature or they moved away themselves.

Now that my son is older and I finally have to chance to get out and have a nice time with a friend or two, now I have another fear.  Since then I became chronically sick, AND my sickness is my fear.  The fear that I will let people down or come across as the sick girl (I don't like to show weakness).  I have heard of people losing friends over getting ill.  Who wants to be friends with the sick girl?  The one who can't even make plans?  Maybe had I grown up here and known people here for a long time, it would be different.  I wouldn't have to worry about being judged.  But the fear of letting 'strangers' into that part of my world scares me so... so I crawl back into my shell of my home, another day without any friends, it's very lonely here.

First Posting

Well I would be lying if I said this was my first attempt at a blog.  Yes, I tried this before and I abandoned the idea.  Not quite sure why, I guess I just didn't think my life was interesting enough but now I realize that I need to start writing for me and to heck what others care.  I really DO care but I won't let it stop me.  Truth is this is not a blog to advertise or sell or do any of that stuff... this will be a boring 'ol blog about the daily stuff of my life and the random crazy things that happen in it.  Yes, not much happens to me on a day to day but as the title says my memory is pretty much shot to blah as I live in a brain fog much of the time and I forget what happens.  I do like to remember the crazy odd randomness things so I figured I'd chime in here when those things happen.  I'm not an ecentric or overly funny person but I do have my moments.

As you see in the 'About Me' section, I'm just a regular wife and mom that deals with a few sucky diseases.  I try and get past them on a day to day and make the most of my life.  I try not to dwell too much on the negative but sometimes I will steer in that direction.  If that happens, please slap the s*&$ out of me because I hate when I get into the self pity mode... but be kind because we all deserve it once in a while.  I might write about my illness here and there also, hope it doesn't offend.